Work

If, like me, there is a person who owns the house you live in and asks you for money every month, then my best tip is that you get a job.

Although difficult to be exact, there are about 94 different jobs available, ranging from checkout assistant to butcher. Essentially a good job is one where you earn a maximum amount of money for minimum effort.

However, there is a major stumbling block, which is getting employed. I've so far yet to achieve this, and my most recent attempt resulted in my arrest (although I was released without charge).

The job I was applying for was for some company that I think was in the catering company, supplying blue chips. Having seen the position advertised in the paper, I arrived in my chefs' outfit at the headquarters, declaring my availability. When they told me I was unsuitable, I tried to convince them otherwise, setting up a Bunsen burner on the reception and frying some haddock and honey. That was when the police were called.

Luckily, the dole office give me money for nothing, so things aren't that bad. Also, ironically, the haddock and honey recipe turned out to be a disaster anyway - I should have used maple syrup.