Monday, 4 October 2010

Re-capping the year to date (part 2)


I went to the police station to report my car stolen. The police took quite a few details, and told me they'd look into it. I did tell them one white lie, regarding the car. I told them that I owned a maroon Lada 66TT. In reality, I've never owned a car, let alone had one stolen. I can't even drive. I hope this doesn't impede their investigation. Incidentally, I don't think that Lada produces a car called the 66TT.


I have no memory of these months


Charged with wasting police time. After which, I cooked:

"Household's Delight"

2 x eggs

1 x half loaf of bread (IMPORTANT MUST either be brown, white, granary, rye, 'best of both', or any other type of bread available)

1 x handful of pasta spirals

1 x half bag of frozen peas

11 x heaped table spoons of salt

1 x half jar of instant coffee.

Preheat oven to highest setting. Place the bread evenly on the baking tray, crush pasta spirals with a hammer, and sprinkle onto the bread, until all bread is covered. Add the frozen peas, and place in the oven for 15 minutes. Remove, and add the coffee and the salt. Serve with tap water, preferable lots, to compensate for the high salt levels.

I made this several times, however I stopped eventually, as it tended to make me physically sick.


I'm no stranger to cutting edge technology. I'd be lost without my betamax player, and my Sony WalkMan. I'm pretty handy when it comes to fixing stuff also, only last week I changed the plug on my Tea's Made - a new alarm clock that pours scoulding water on you every morning - it sure wakes me up.

You can imagine my delight when a man in my local Post Office offered to sell me his Nokia 1610, and for paltry a £850. I happily cleared out my life's savings and gave him the money, knowing I was practically stealing it off him. I've written a little review of it.

Phones don't come much sleeker than Nokia's new offering, the 1610. Available exclusively in black, this little beauty has twenty-three buttons, seventeen of which are fully operational. Battery life is exceptional, you can chat for up to twelve minutes between recharging. Although fashion victims will be wowed by it's style, it has many functions, listed below:

- Makes telephone calls

- Can be used to tell the time

Disadvantages, damage to '0' and '1' keys means most telephone numbers are not accessiblE.

If you need to contact me on this phone, call me on 0424 994 444. You'll get a message about not being in service, which according to the man who sold it to me is 'Voice Mail', where you can leave me a message.


I arrived for the interview. Nervous, anxious, queasy, but managing well not to show it. Apart from being sick on the chair next to me. I’d got hold of a suit last minute. It was a bit small, but other than that it was fine. Apart from the jacket; which was bright pink, and clashed with the trousers. The fluorescent yellow trousers. But apart from that, it was fine.

“What’s your name”, I said, imagining how the conversation might start. “What’s your name?”, the lady said, starting the conversation. I smiled to myself, enjoying the easiness of the question being asked. “Wally. Wally Johnson”. “Hmm” she says. “I can’t see you on the list. Have you made an appointment?” “Yes”, I said. “I rang up yesterday, and spoke to a ginger lady, at least she sounded ginger. She told me to come in Wednesday at 3 o’clock”. Today’s Tuesdays said the lady. “Oh”, I said. “Bollocks”.

Re-capping the year to date (part 1)


Not the best of starts to the New Year. I lost my keys, and was locked out of my house for three weeks. I slept in a local street, and became quite good friends with Alistair and Lord John, two local tramps. They smell terribly, but boy do they know how to drink. I played a few games of poker with them, however not being familiar with the game, I lost miserably. I ended up owing them £300, but it was me who got the last laugh - I didn't pay them a penny. I simply told them to fuck off.

I re-entered my house at the end of the month, through the back door, which was never locked. Arguably, I should have done this earlier. Excited by my return home, I cooked a slap up meal:

"Uncle John's Lunch"

1 x large bag of onions

1 x tin of baked beans

1 x half bottle of orange squash

2 x jars of low sugar jam

1 x plain digestive biscuit

1 x large bag of sugar.

Preheat oven to highest setting. Place the onions in the oven, and bake until charcoal like. Heat some water in a saucepan, and add the baked beans. Boil for 20 minutes. Drink the orange squash, undiluted, and vomit if necessary. Drain the boiled baked beans, and add to the charcoaled onions. Throw the digestive biscuit in the bin, and spread the jar of jam generously onto the beans. Pour all the sugar on, then leave in the freezer over night. Remove the following morning and microwave on full power for 20 minutes.

Something that almost certainly never happened

I sat in my room looking out onto the street. It was about four in the morning, and my window was open. There was an old tramp stumbling across the road, he looked to be struggling - so after careful thought, I threw him a can of beer. It narrowly missed his head. It hit a rubbish bin, making a loud din and woke up several dogs. On closer inspection, I realised it wasn’t a tramp but my neighbour, Susan.

I was now feeling quite awake, so decided to go for a walk. I put on a coat and headed on to the street. I found my beer by the bin and opened it; I sipped it as it spurted beer over my face. I turned my head, and as I did so, my own rubbish bin caught my eye. In it was a brand new microwave oven, very similar to my own. I began to suspect that it was my own; having only bought it that day, I had accidentally disposed of it instead of putting it in my kitchen. Laughing to myself at the stupidity of throwing away a working microwave, I carefully removed it from the bin and threw it with great force down the street. Content that it was now broken, I re-positioned it in the bin.

Feeling an urge to relieve myself, I approached my front door and urinated up it, checking the doorbell worked as I did, which I knew for a fact didn’t. It was at this point that I realised that I had left my keys in the flat. Luckily, however, I had a spare set under the doormat, which I had just pissed on.

I noticed the milkman had come early so I crossed the street to see if the flat opposite had any milk, which it didn’t. Nor did its neighbours, or any of the houses. In fact, the milkman couldn’t have come early, as the milkman did not deliver to this street. I walked back to my flat and as I got to my door, turned round and threw my can at the road, having been aiming for the pavement, but just shaving it by five metres.

I went back in, through the landing and up the stairs. I went into my kitchen and turned the light on. I decided to boil an egg, so I filled the kettle and switched it on. After about thirty seconds, I got bored waiting, so I just poured the water over the egg and hoped for the best. I peered out the window and saw a cat creeping along, so I hurled my egg at it. It yelped, then jumped to the floor and urinated on my bicycle.

I went back to my room, put on my suit for work, and went to bed. 

Another food meal

Just a quickie here. It's called HJG GHOPJJJJ

1 x tin of mushroom soup

1 x tin of tomato soup

1 x tin of chicken soup

1 x banana (sliced)

1 x banana (rotten)

1 x bag of flour

Open all the tins except for the chicken soup. Pour the soup into a deep baking tray. Add the banana, and pour the flour over generously. Place the chicken soup tin on the floor, to use as a door stop. Place the baking tray in the oven and leave for about a week. Take out, and throw directly into the bin. Pick the chicken soup up from the floor, open, and pour into a bowl. Microwave on full power for 4 minutes, stirring halfway. Serve with honey.

Cooking Tips


1 x half jar of curry sauce

1 x bar of butter

1 x block of cheese

7 x rolls of film


Remove the foil from the butter, and boil the butter until melted. Add the photographic films, and place the gold foil from the butter in the microwave, and heat until microwave sparks and makes a large bang. Pour the melted butter into empty jars and freeze for six weeks. Pour the curry sauce into a bowl, and eat with a large wooden spoon. Place the cheese back in the fridge.

NB. Try adding salt, for some extra taste.


If, like me, there is a person who owns the house you live in and asks you for money every month, then my best tip is that you get a job.

Although difficult to be exact, there are about 94 different jobs available, ranging from checkout assistant to butcher. Essentially a good job is one where you earn a maximum amount of money for minimum effort.

However, there is a major stumbling block, which is getting employed. I've so far yet to achieve this, and my most recent attempt resulted in my arrest (although I was released without charge).

The job I was applying for was for some company that I think was in the catering company, supplying blue chips. Having seen the position advertised in the paper, I arrived in my chefs' outfit at the headquarters, declaring my availability. When they told me I was unsuitable, I tried to convince them otherwise, setting up a Bunsen burner on the reception and frying some haddock and honey. That was when the police were called.

Luckily, the dole office give me money for nothing, so things aren't that bad. Also, ironically, the haddock and honey recipe turned out to be a disaster anyway - I should have used maple syrup.